Why Should I Save Myself?

If there was a word for how I feel at this very moment in time, I wish I could bring it to the front of my head.

In the past month, I have quit my job, let my studies slip, and questioned my life. I can’t explain to you why I quit my job other than I believe in family and my company, despite their area of “expertise,” do not. Regardless, I have been so infatuated with making sure that everyone else was happy, I forgot to make myself happy. It is so hard to look so deeply into yourself and find something worth saving for later, instead of ending it right there and then like I have so many times.

I don’t mean for this to sound so depressing, that isn’t my intention. I just can’t fathom that there is something out there worth keeping myself for. I understand that everyone is special in some way, but why can’t I figure that out for myself? Why can’t I found that something??

No one seems to care for the amount of love and attention that I have to offer; they just blow it off like it’s nothing.

What am I supposed to do from here? You can only feel helpless for so long before that feeling takes over and you feel nothing else. It’s like there’s nothing there. I’m hyper at times, and I think that is me getting hopeful, but then there are those lapses in time where I suddenly see where everyone around me truly stands. As a woman who is almost 21, living on her own, in college, I have never needed my mother so desperately. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I will be okay. That this thing that I am going through will pass and I will be fine soon.

As much as some would like to say that I haven’t gotten over my last breakup, they couldn’t be more wrong. I have realized beyond words that he was never going to work for me. Dating him meant dating his mother too, and it’s hard to do so when she hates you with a passion. But I hope for nothing but success in his future. He deserves so much more than the feelings he still calls me about. I hope that someday, he figures out what he wants and finds someone who loves him more than I did..

My life has never had such awful circumstances and I am feeling more helpless and hopeless than I ever have in my entire life.

I choose me. 

Today I woke up just like any other day. I shut my alarm off, got in the shower, got dressed, brushed my teeth, etc. I felt something especially different even though I was doing my usual routine. 
The night before I had been unable to get to sleep. I was thinking about the past few months. So much has changed in the short amount of time that has passed since February. In February, my boyfriend of a year and a half facetimed me to tell me he couldn’t do it anymore. Given we had spent a majority of our relationship at least an hour and a half away from each other, I really had never seen the distance as an issue. But apparently he had. 
A few background bits of information that may be helpful; he plays baseball and is dead set on becoming a professional player. I’ve never seen this as an issue either. His dreams and determination have always been one of the most attractive things about him. Don’t get me wrong, I love his goofy grin and his smart sense of humor, but dreams have always been his best feature. I know he’ll make it someday and I’ve always believed in his abilities. During the summer, he travels to Saskatchewan in Canada to play summer ball…. Which is exactly 951 miles from my current location. We met in high school after he moved from a nearby town to a more comfortable school. It wasn’t until after we graduated that we started to see something between us. It was really amazing. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to find someone that loves you just as much as you love them. 

The problems started when I began realizing we weren’t on the same page. Maybe it was me or maybe it was him, maybe it was neither of us. I could love that boy forever but he loved his game more. He began to realize he wanted his dream more than he wanted me. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t see that as selfish or wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with chasing your dreams. That’s what made me fall so hard for him and I knew in the beginning was I was getting myself into. 

But I love him and myself enough to let him go. He chose himself and now I choose me. It’s not modest to say but my heart is big. I love with every piece of it. It’s part of who I am. I choose me because  someday I will find someone who chooses me as well. I want someone to grow with me. I want someone that wants to grow with me. Until that point, I will choose myself. I will love myself. I won’t lessen myself to strengthen someone else. My love is a gift that I choose to give someone who wants it. 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself. If you choose to love yourself, others will follow and love you for you. In the meantime, love yourself and your friends. Love your family for they are the people who have chosen to stick beside you through your flaws and breakdowns. I lost my best friend in the past few months. This isn’t meant to put him down but to let everyone else struggling with a breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend to know you’re going to be okay. You’re going to make it somehow. Even if that somehow is not meant for others, it will heal you someday.