Why Should I Save Myself?

If there was a word for how I feel at this very moment in time, I wish I could bring it to the front of my head.

In the past month, I have quit my job, let my studies slip, and questioned my life. I can’t explain to you why I quit my job other than I believe in family and my company, despite their area of “expertise,” do not. Regardless, I have been so infatuated with making sure that everyone else was happy, I forgot to make myself happy. It is so hard to look so deeply into yourself and find something worth saving for later, instead of ending it right there and then like I have so many times.

I don’t mean for this to sound so depressing, that isn’t my intention. I just can’t fathom that there is something out there worth keeping myself for. I understand that everyone is special in some way, but why can’t I figure that out for myself? Why can’t I found that something??

No one seems to care for the amount of love and attention that I have to offer; they just blow it off like it’s nothing.

What am I supposed to do from here? You can only feel helpless for so long before that feeling takes over and you feel nothing else. It’s like there’s nothing there. I’m hyper at times, and I think that is me getting hopeful, but then there are those lapses in time where I suddenly see where everyone around me truly stands. As a woman who is almost 21, living on her own, in college, I have never needed my mother so desperately. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I will be okay. That this thing that I am going through will pass and I will be fine soon.

As much as some would like to say that I haven’t gotten over my last breakup, they couldn’t be more wrong. I have realized beyond words that he was never going to work for me. Dating him meant dating his mother too, and it’s hard to do so when she hates you with a passion. But I hope for nothing but success in his future. He deserves so much more than the feelings he still calls me about. I hope that someday, he figures out what he wants and finds someone who loves him more than I did..

My life has never had such awful circumstances and I am feeling more helpless and hopeless than I ever have in my entire life.