Today I woke up just like any other day. I shut my alarm off, got in the shower, got dressed, brushed my teeth, etc. I felt something especially different even though I was doing my usual routine.
The night before I had been unable to get to sleep. I was thinking about the past few months. So much has changed in the short amount of time that has passed since February. In February, my boyfriend of a year and a half facetimed me to tell me he couldn’t do it anymore. Given we had spent a majority of our relationship at least an hour and a half away from each other, I really had never seen the distance as an issue. But apparently he had.
A few background bits of information that may be helpful; he plays baseball and is dead set on becoming a professional player. I’ve never seen this as an issue either. His dreams and determination have always been one of the most attractive things about him. Don’t get me wrong, I love his goofy grin and his smart sense of humor, but dreams have always been his best feature. I know he’ll make it someday and I’ve always believed in his abilities. During the summer, he travels to Saskatchewan in Canada to play summer ball…. Which is exactly 951 miles from my current location. We met in high school after he moved from a nearby town to a more comfortable school. It wasn’t until after we graduated that we started to see something between us. It was really amazing. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to find someone that loves you just as much as you love them.
The problems started when I began realizing we weren’t on the same page. Maybe it was me or maybe it was him, maybe it was neither of us. I could love that boy forever but he loved his game more. He began to realize he wanted his dream more than he wanted me. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t see that as selfish or wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with chasing your dreams. That’s what made me fall so hard for him and I knew in the beginning was I was getting myself into.
But I love him and myself enough to let him go. He chose himself and now I choose me. It’s not modest to say but my heart is big. I love with every piece of it. It’s part of who I am. I choose me because someday I will find someone who chooses me as well. I want someone to grow with me. I want someone that wants to grow with me. Until that point, I will choose myself. I will love myself. I won’t lessen myself to strengthen someone else. My love is a gift that I choose to give someone who wants it.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing yourself. If you choose to love yourself, others will follow and love you for you. In the meantime, love yourself and your friends. Love your family for they are the people who have chosen to stick beside you through your flaws and breakdowns. I lost my best friend in the past few months. This isn’t meant to put him down but to let everyone else struggling with a breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend to know you’re going to be okay. You’re going to make it somehow. Even if that somehow is not meant for others, it will heal you someday.